Neko

its been 24 days since then and im honestly trying everyday, i am still focusing on myself accepting there is no her in my life anymore. its easy and simple when the cons are much more than the pros.

i didnt lose anything but she lost everything. well i guess in a way bc shes a narcissist so thats that. i just dont like nights. i hate the nights.... its always so shit. i cant fall asleep prperly i havent been able to actually.. like i sleep and all but its just so tasteless. i dont really enjoy my sleep either ways i just want to sleep okay again i dont wanna just think abt her.

i miss her but i feel like i miss the version i saw not the version that was real. yk i deleted 3k photos of her from my laptop? i did that just yesterday and for some reason i stll have some of my fav pics of her on laptop but the thought of deleting them did occur.

i have such a hard time letting go. such a hard time. i will delete them or hide them away. eventually. and i know i shouldnt dwell on this i shouldnt. i will be okay again ill find my peace. i didnt deserve what happened to me

isnt it crazy i still have crazy headache?? anyways

i finally have my last final exam on sunday and all of this will finally be fucking over fuck.

hm yesterday i designed my github and i made two projects on there that i likey.. i also still unsure on my portfolio like im trying make changes and such but idk yet

anyways i cant wait to finish and destress.

im finally done with my finals, today mid exam one of the questions took so long to load i freaked out but i was able to log out and rejoing but the exam went fairly well im happy abt it.

now its dead quiet i dont have anyone just myself no more "let me tell my gf how my exam went" no one to immediatly call once im home but its okay. ill be okay.

ill learn to sit with myself (i always have never needed to depend on anyone so it wont be hard its just i have to adjust bc i am so used to her presence and the past two months were loud chaotic busy)

mmm i am studying right now i think also while im okay. i still love to talk to myself about it and i still talk to myself abt all the disrespect i endured and the more i talk the more im like holy shit what a shitty person i was truly with...

and yesterday i ft cami i wish i can do it more often bc i had so much fun i love her she gets me i swear. i literally have no one but her.

mmm i keep thinking about how this is actually my last semester and it doesn’t fully register yet. like i say it n i know it’s true but my brain hasn’t caught up.

last year, last stretch, last time doing this whole university thing. fuck idk feels heavy weird. i’m not panicking, i’m just.. aware of time more than usual.

i keep reminding myself i’ve survived every semester before this, even the ones i thought i wouldn’t. so logically i’ll be fine yk. emotionally though it’s still weird. i don’t know what comes after yet and i guess that’s part of why it feels like this.

today was bad. i was on a trip which was very very neeeded and out of nowhere i got a really bad fever. no build up, no warning bro js suddenly my body was done.

headache, body aches, everything felt heavy and slow. i hate getting sick when i didn’t plan for it because it makes me feel useless and out of control.

i just wanted to enjoy the trip and instead i spent it trying to function. it annoyed me more than anything.

i kept thinking “not now, literally not now”

days like this just remind me i’m not as in control as i think i am. it also could’ve been my body js registering all the build up exhaustion ive been dealing w the past two months.

semester officially started and yeah this is actually my last semester studying data science. aside from the summer classes ill take but typing that feels fake.

the courses this term are nlp, deep learning, data visualization & data science professional ethics.

nlp sounds intimidating honestly. language is messy n emotional n inconsistent so i don’t know how they expect models to understand it properly.

deep learning feels like the final boss version of machine learning bro like no more pretending i get it, either i do or i don’t (fuck).

data visualization def my fav. ive got a book i got last year in which i really love. def more calmer but still important because what’s the point of doing all this if no one understands the results right?

data science professional ethics feels serious mmm. less math n probs more thinking about consequences & responsibility.

i feel nervous man but also like… okay, this is what i signed up for. i think this semester is gonna be heavy mentally but probably meaningful long term bc all of these are v imp.

i’ve been thinking a lot about last semester and honestly it was better than i expected. i passed in almost all with straight A's (wlw breakup was so bad i locked in).

hmmm data security and privacy really stuck with me. it wasn’t just about attacks it made me think about how careless people are w data and how much trust is involved.

machine learning was stressful but not even as hard as i thought it'd be. it felt like the backbone of the whole degree.

data mining ... lets wrap this shit up.

computer vision was probably the hardest mentally.

decision support systems js like data mining..... i have nothing to share im glad i finished it and passed.

overall last semester made me feel like i grew more aware. it feels like a proper lead up to my final semester yk?. i still don’t know what happens after graduation.

ahh i can’t believe i’m 21 now… 20 was such a hard, traumatizing year and i feel like i didn’t prioritize myself at all. i want 21 to be different, i really do.

my parents surprised me with a strawberry cake two days ago and i got gifts off my wishlist which is wilddd, i didn’t expect anyone to even celebrate my birthday since everyone’s been so busy.

my friend and i are hanging out sunday and she said she has something for me… man, i don’t know, i’m just really grateful people remember. is that silly? probably, but whatever.

then there’s this person who claimed we were best friends… didn’t even acknowledge my birthday until a day later and threw some shitty excuse at me.

i’m not childish and i won’t end friendships over birthdays, obviously, but… yeah. they haven’t been a great friend, and this was just the last straw. whatever.

i really hope i can train and improve myself this year, surround myself with people who actually care and love me. i want to get better at my hobbies, my major, coding… i want this semester to actually be good. nothing but good things. pls #plsgod

hi hi ramadan mubarak.

ever since ramadan started this year i feel like i can finally breathe. i keep remembering how stressful it was last year. i was in a talking stage and it was genuinely so bad. i was stressing myself out for no reason when i could’ve just left. actually insane.

this year feels different. almost everyone who was in my life in 2025 is gone. i cut most of them off by the end of the year and honestly it feels so good. after my crazy october event i realized i can leave anyone. i’ve got nothing to lose. i value ease of mind and peace too much now. like what do you mean i get to wake up and not worry about sending a text. what do you mean i can take a nap without anxiety. it used to feel suffocating.

plus i made a new friend and she’s super cool. i’ve never really had a friend that’s just down for whatever i want to do. i’m usually adjusting. but she’s always down to game, call, watch shows. it’s such a refreshing change.

now school.

i’ve been really active on github and i started a 30 days of python challenge. i wish i could say it’s going great but i’ve been slacking. i reached day 4 then got exhausted and slept two days in a row. i don’t know what it is lately, i’m just constantly tired.

i’m also thinking about not training in the summer and pushing it to the term after. taking calculus and operating systems while training in the summer? i feel capable but not that capable. i’ll come back here and report what i decide and why. also why is making a cv so hard.